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i've always felt so profoundly weird about languages. there's really the typical stuff that are more normalized than when i was growing up:
however... a new lightbulb about language went off in my head about a month ago. i went to get coffee with someone in downtown (the loop for my chicago friends) chicago, in which i communicated to a migrant family in spanish. they seemed profoundly grateful not only of the items i gave, but really of the language ability. at this point, multiple migrants that i have interacted with have mentioned i'm the only person that has talked to them in spanish all day. let's be really clear - i am not fluent in spanish by any means. i also realize the idea of fluency is not only topic based (example above - i can't talk about environmental policy in chinese but i can definitely help you at a restaurant or talk to my dad) BUT ALSO the concept of fluency is really geographically based. maybe you knew this but i definitely DID NOT. i realized - in chicago, i am a lot less ashamed of what spanish and chinese i can and can't say. back in los angeles? my spanish is embarassing. back in the bay area? my chinese is something people have explicitly laughed at. but in chicago, i feel like i have some budding superpowers i've never truly felt before. so if my confidence is so contexual, what does being multilingual even mean for anyone?
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There have been a ton of descriptors about who I am. I'm not hard to figure out, my personality shows pretty quickly. I'm oftentimes described as passionate, intense, intimidating (at first), and authoritative. It makes me cringe.
I rarely consider these words as words with positive connotations, especially as a woman. As an Asian American woman, sometimes it feels that people are surprised I have a personality. If you didn't know, Asian American women being labeled as docile and submissive is a whole thing. I've also been described as a person who has black and white thinking. It's also known as binary thinking, dichotomous thinking, etc. Funny enough, I talk about the dangers of not thinking in a spectrum, while fully acknowledging that I.. struggle to think in a spectrum. So what is black and white thinking? I think in terms of absolutes, and quickly more often than not. People who struggle with black and white thinking are seen as people who struggle with change, can be temperamental, and sometimes even deny that life is complex and uncertain. Yikes. None of this sounds good. My god, it's even on WebMD. And I'm a part of all this?! My therapist also told me that my black and white thinking is associated with moral grounding... and I am starting to feel relieved. More relieved than I have felt in all of this pandemic so far. I'm also a pretty sensitive person, I wear emotions on my face, I am just generally emotive and my heartstrings get pulled easily. Anyways, I'm not trying to promote black and white thinking, but hear me out for a second here. I really do think of virtually everything in terms of morals.
I want to acknowledge there's a lot of nuance here. Feeling safe has a lot to do with identity, exposure, experiences, etc. Being able to tackle conflict might have a lot to do with being in a stable or unstable home life growing up. But I do personally have a lot of clarity about why I am the way I am. I care about having good people in the world, I crave care and connection, and I don't want to feel like I get caught in a lie when I get to know people. So then I judge and think in black/white terms. I don't really know what it means to "fix this" or "fix myself", but I do feel a lot of relief in having clarity. I really do want people (and myself) to have strong moral grounding. And I'm allowed, at least to some degree, to believe that what we say, do, or not do/say says something deeper about all of us. I don’t actually mean me, me. I mean my race. My ethnicity. My intersectionality of identities. Actually, it’s not really just me i’m talking about - it’s people like me. People who look like me. People a part of my “box” on the 2020 census.
This post is for my non-asian friends who consider themselves dedicated to social justice, etc. So far, I feel so fortunate to have curated my social circle to really only be amongst people who agree with me (i’m not moderate, i don’t care to be moderate, and i don’t think my job is to change my friends’ minds, especially since it’s been my full time job To change people’s minds for 5+ years. changing friends and having politically diverse friends can be for others, it’s just not for me - at least for right now. As James Baldwin says, ‘we can agree and still love each other unless your disagreement is rooted in my oppression and denial of my humanity and right to exist’. So far i see most people who disagree with me as folx who are rooted in the denial of someone’s right to exist/survive/thrive). So far it’s been great. We agree on a lot of stuff - current affairs, social issues, we listen to each other in genuine ways, we align politically, etc. it works. But i’m also noticing something strange as hell. when i talk about asian american/aanhpi issues, i see blank faces amongst my friends. There are no questions. No nods. Just listening. When I talk about asian american identity, same reaction. My suspicion/question: do my friends not know about AANHPI issues? Why don’t they? Why don’t you? Is this even a conversation? More examples with blank face reactions:
There’s a sense of shock, a sense of betrayal, like when they look at me in a photo my friends don’t see anyone or anything There. As i’ve transitioned out of teaching, this has felt all the more obvious to me. I now work for a civil rights organization, asian americans advancing justice (Aaaj) - and it is near and dear to my heart. Not only is it kind of like the naacp for asian americans (which is how i describe it when people ask me what the organization is about), but for many asian americans who have their identity/social justice reckoning, This is one of the first organizations they are exposed to/hear of. For me? I learned about Aaaj When i was 16. In an asian american studies class. Learning about aaaj sparked a few REVELATIONS for me: 1. There are people who look like me that care about actual issues 2. This means i could make “caring about actual issues”.. an actual career/job 3. Model minority stereotype is truly a myth. The existence of this org. Proves that 4. It is very possible and likely that those who major and study ethnic studies will never take an asian american studies class. They’ll study other racial communities, though. 5. Learning about aaaj is synonymous with learning about asian american studies. You can’t know one without knowing the other. 6. Aaaj and all its affiliates will be important to me for the rest of my life. The people i know in social justice orgs, in teaching, in ethnic studies organizing committees, and in community groups have no shortage of suggestions of books to read, groups to join, people to know, and worksheets/graphics/posts to share. And i love this. I love this about the education/teaching community. But not knowing AAAJ? Having a blank face when i talk about aaaj? I am hurt. I am shocked. I take a step back. Now, This blank face reaction kind of makes me panic. Because There’s no blank face with conversations about black lives matter. Because There’s nodding with every critical conversation to be had. But conversations about people who look like me? There’s nothing. No reaction. No thoughts. No reflection. No criticality. No admittance. It’s not Even a blank canvas. It’s not an empty wall. I see a face that didn’t know there needed to be a canvas, that needed a wall that could use some decorating to begin with. THESE EXCHANGES MAKE ME FEEL ASHAMED AND I DO know why. It makes me feel like i don’t matter. My people don’t matter. My community doesn’t matter. Maybe i should stop complaining. Maybe i should stop believing that the state of asian america is kinda bad. Maybe i should stop trying to move my own people. Maybe this is a lost cause. Maybe i am a lost cause. Maybe aanhpis aren’t people of color after all. The shame = the gaslighting. THESE EXCHANGES MAKE ME FEEL BETRAYED AND I DO KNOW WHY. I FEEL BETRAYED BECAUSE IT DIDN’T OCCUR TO SOMEONE (MY OWN FRIEND) THAT MY LIFE, MY PEOPLE, WERE WORTH GETTING TO KNOW. WORTH STUDYING. WORTH EXAMINING. NOT LIKE SPECIMEN, BUT AS ancestors, as ACTUAL FLAWED AND POWERful PEOPLE AFFECTED BY SYSTEMIC PROBLEMS. MAYBE THAT WASN’T THE INTENT of the blank face reaction - BUT AS I USUALLY SAY, IF THE WORLD RAN ON GOOD INTENTIONS WE WOULD HAVE A MUCH BETTER WORLD BY NOW. The betrayal = i am worth nothing after all. Maybe people are just processing, and this is what processing looks like for many folx. But what i do know, is that i’m also not having explicit and/or follow up conversations with these same folx about asian american identity or systemic issues that face aanhpi folx in this country. Am i, is my community, just a passing thought? Do people know that aanhpi invisibility (in history, studies, etc.) is a serious issue and their Blank face reaction is a contribution to that very issue? And if you think “other issues are more important”, i ask that you reflect on what you think is appropriate/timely, what makes you think your compassion and empathy is limited, and when will it be time for you to think about the aanhpi community as “people worth knowing”. Btw i’m not trying to say aanhpi issues matter more than the current civil unrest, the frequency of deaths in the black community, the amount of children in concentration camps in the latinx community, the amount of substance abuse and mental health issues in the multiracial community, the amount of human trafficking and missing indigenous folx in our country, (not to flatten the experiences of other racial communities with singular issues and only narratives of tragedy/oppression) etc. but what i am saying is, why don’t you know... any aanhpi issues at all? Why can’t we have an actual conversation about anything regarding my community? I’m not here to blame you. I’m asking you to own up to this. I’m asking to talk about this. It makes me recall when I was at an ethnic studies conference this summer, in one of the sessionS we talked about mutual aid societies and how to build community during the time of the pandemic. I brought up the issue that places like koreatown and chinatown have multiple races and ethnicities... and multiple languages. My question was, “how do we bring people together when language access may be a challenge when we build community?” My question was quickly dismissed by the facilitator (yes, she was BIPOC), in which she stated, “well, we just start by putting everyone together”. The immediate reaction in my head was, “she has no idea how isolated aanhpi neighborhoods/communities are”. I’ve talked to political consultants, experienced canvassers, aanhpi advocacy groups alike - oftentimes it is a mystery and a challenge how to canvass successfully in anychinatown, USA. Let alone other aanhpi communities and enclaves. Let alone other actions/community building initiatives. I’m still a little salty from this interaction. It makes me recall that all my aanhpi friends and colleagues who have talked to me about race have stated to me that they “don’t trust other people of color” to have these conversations, and “other people of color don’t understand/won’t validate my issues as actual issues”. It seems like all our conversations are secret. Behind closed doors - not because we’re trying to conspire, but because we’re afraid to be gaslighted by other people. After all, it’s kind of thing to debate whether or not aanhpi folx are people of color. It makes me recall that as i’ve talked to some of my friends about me possibly considering a phd and following somewhat in my spouse’s footsteps, i do talk about how there are very, very few asian american studies departments let alone asian american scholars i can be an advisee to. I get the sympathetic “oh...”, but no one bats an eye. It seems that people, people who call themselves allies, accomplices, and co-conspirators have no idea what it means to be erased in ways aanhpi folx feel erased all the time. I need you recognize my years of pain and feelings of invisibility and dismissal when i tell you i can’t find an aanhpi department or an aanhpi tenured scholar that fits my interests. I need you to recognize the systemic issue that there are an endless Amount reasons “why asian american studies DEPARTMENTS can’t/won’t exist”. That’s what i’m telling you, even if i can’t Or don’t explain it explicitly in the moment. Thinking about this also reminds me - i’ve thought All this before. I’ve worried about this over th years. After taking my first asian american studies class at a local community college when i was 16 (note the privilege to be able to take a class like this!), i recall coming to the explicit conclusion that if i get to know other people and the racial communities they are a part of, they in turn will eventually want to get to know me and the “people i am a part of”. As i’ve learned more, i now realize this is called transactional (level 2) solidarity. It’s not... good or bad. It just is. However, at the same time There also was a small lingering doubt as i thought through this in my little teenage brain. The doubt whispered in my ear, “will anyone ever care to know your people? How much time will need to pass before people are interested, let alone invested In your people and ask you questions?”. Twelve years later, The doubt doesn’t whisper. Doubt just stares back at me materializing into the faces of people i love and admire. And it reminds me, maybe i am truly alone.  for the record, i don't think this is going to happen. I took the liberty of looking at the 2019 AP US History exam. Here are the time periods I recorded that students had to write about in this exam:
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- For the skeptics, why don't we break this down. note the percentages in black. 1980s-present is 4-6% of the curriculum.
I REMEMBER SPENDING A MINIMUM 4 MONTHS STUDYING THE ERAS FROM 1491 (ALSO WEIRD YEAR TO FLEX, COLUMBUS NEVER SET FOOT ON "AMERICAN SOIL") TO 1848. 2 MONTHS IN SUMMER, 2 MONTHS IN THE SCHOOL YEAR. THAT IS 1/5TH OF THE SCHOOL YEAR.
regular US history teachers aren't better. usually teachers have to teach more than 1 class - so the US history teacher and the AP US History teacher are the same person. as a coping mechanism (because the job is pretty much an impossible job), that teachers will teach regular US history similarly to APUSH, not the other way around. You have your reputation on the line, after all (shoutout to pass rates). One additional thing: There's also a recurring feedback loop - the easiest units to teach are the ones with more resources, the units with more resources are the Revolution, Civil War, WW2, aka anything pre-1970s, and the cycle continues. This is all to say that I think this idea that "we will teach this in history and we will be appalled" is still wishful thinking. Demand that the tests change. Reallocate those percentages. Demand that the curriculum and standards change. Demand that course offerings change. Some thoughts about the amy cooper/Christian cooper incident: yes. everything about this makes me mad. many people talked about it - white fragility, white women and the need to own up to their own racism, bad/lack of actual apologies, lack of justice, lack of clarity on what happens moving forward, etc. I collected a lot of articles/opinions about it. i love that there are so many nuanced voices coming forth. this is what also makes me mad: nothing is going to happen to amy cooper's mentality. white people who have been burned like her don't necessarily change their mind. actually, it's pretty unlikely.
post incident - Did amy donate to BLM? Did amy go enroll in a community college to take a sociology class? did amy go and actively examine that she's only friends with a particular set of race(s) and gender(s)? anyways, a month ago i saw a photo of preschoolers from a school somewhere in west LA county. it was just a photo of smiling preschoolers. that's it. the preschoolers obviously didn't do anything to me. but seeing them triggered me, infuriated me, and i was deeply moody for days. I thought about these kids (that i don't know, mind you!), and i was just simply fuming and obsessing.over and over again. my friend (thanks, zack!) helped me realize this - i know why looking at photos of white people make me so upset: based on my research, life experiences, and statistics known, I think i know exactly how they are going to turn out. Sure, sure. not all white people are like this. but that's not the point of this post. Try this story out. I will produce the following assumptions in a story below:
i see white people. i see amy cooper. i see tiny white children. and i see their entire world unfolding. I think i know how they will turn out. i see their 60-80 years of their lives ahead of them just as i outlined above. and it makes me so, so, so, despondent. i pour my heart and soul into my work because i chose to, into hoping that the legacy of ethnic studies is not lost. but seeing these white people makes me feel like my work is unraveling - and someone is pulling the string. and the person pulling the string is a white preschooler. when kids seem defiant to teachers, i don't really blame them. we grow up with hypocrisy everywhere. Is it like, an american thing to feel lied to constantly? what people say and do like almost never equate? nothing feels real. it kind of just seems like everything is about gaslighting. i'm just thinking a lot of things.
Anyways, let's talk about the inconsistencies and confusions of our lives. As controversial as it sounds (and yes, I do own this fully), i credit much of my teaching personality to my TFA training. whatever you may believe, i will say this - it is one of the few teaching programs that addresses race and identity in the classroom. it's not to highlight how great tfa is, it just shows you how sad everything is. someone during training told me that consistency was key. i have never forgotten this, and it has helped me see how adults eat bs for breakfast, lunch, dinner. Level 1 - basic understanding of our teaching inconsistencies:
Let's go all malcolm gladwell on this for a second. if 10,000 hours makes someone an expert in anything then that means students/kid/young people are professional bs sniffers. they're expert people watchers. they're not just judging adults, they sometimes kind of already know who adults are (and sometimes, more than that adult knows about themselves). They know we're full of sh*t. we don't know it. and then we demand respect. what kind of a screwed up relationship is that? and then we judge people for being in screwed up relationships? i never said i wasn't a part of these inconsistencies. life is weird, i'm an adult, i have a lot of complexes, i'm complicated, and i'm full of HYPOCRISIES. i'm not exempt from all this. instead... i'm just inviting you to think about what you say, what you think you believe, what you tell people, and what advice you give. Are these your actions? do you excuse yourself in anyway? how much do you actually align with yourself? i know i'm thinking about it. writing my first little bit was so empowering. I didn't realize how much of my identity is tied to my work, how much of my pride and soul comes from talking about race and identity. I mean, I know i love it. i guess i just didn't quite know how much it has defined so much of me over the years. and i want it to define me. i like myself more than i ever did. i like my family more than i ever did.
It's taken up so much space in my brain. in case you were curious, here are the following thoughts i have on repeat:
lastly, I am surprised with the number of people that went through all 14-ish points. props to you. I feel honored to have had your attention in that moment. ---- Anyways, i'm writing this because A close friend of mine asked for age-appropriate resources because their son is learning f*cked up things. no surprise. Please keep in mind that this resource below is a huge work in progress, so I will be updating as I go. i'll repost on this blog when i find some good nuggets of information. these are not best practices. these are just what i use because i like them. Age Appropriate resources gsheet Thanks to everyone for the support. I'll keep stuff coming your way. When I was first assigned to be an ethnic studies teacher, i did a summer of research to prepare for what was to come. though i deeply appreciate the hard work people have done to make this class a reality and have shared their resources freely, i thought it was best to create my own curriculum to bring in practical concepts, intersectionality, and move away from the de-politicization of ethnic studies as it has expanded throughout the state. I am not here to say my curriculum is best - i am here to explain my unique approach in teaching this course.
I think it's important to note that my best practices to approach ethnic studies have not entirely been based on scholarly sources or research. However, in my experience there are sources that would validate some of these practices as you'll read below. -----------------------------------------------------Best Practices-----------------------------------------------------
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