Do you know me? Do you care to know me?

I don’t actually mean me, me. I mean my race. My ethnicity. My intersectionality of identities. Actually, it’s not really just me i’m talking about - it’s people like me. People who look like me. People a part of my “box” on the 2020 census.

This post is for my non-asian friends who consider themselves dedicated to social justice, etc.

So far, I feel so fortunate to have curated my social circle to really only be amongst people who agree with me (i’m not moderate, i don’t care to be moderate, and i don’t think my job is to change my friends’ minds, especially since it’s been my full time job To change people’s minds for 5+ years. changing friends and having politically diverse friends can be for others, it’s just not for me - at least for right now. As James Baldwin says, ‘we can agree and still love each other unless your disagreement is rooted in my oppression and denial of my humanity and right to exist’. So far i see most people who disagree with me as folx who are rooted in the denial of someone’s right to exist/survive/thrive). So far it’s been great. We agree on a lot of stuff - current affairs, social issues, we listen to each other in genuine ways, we align politically, etc. it works. 

But i’m also noticing something strange as hell.

when i talk about asian american/aanhpi issues, i see blank faces amongst my friends. There are no questions. No nods. Just listening. When I talk about asian american identity, same reaction. 

My suspicion/question: do my friends not know about AANHPI issues? Why don’t they? Why don’t you? Is this even a conversation?

More examples with blank face reactions:

• one of my closest friends didn’t know about the book “minor feelings” by cathy park hong.
• several of my closest friends have never heard of the organization i Currently work for.
• One of my friends learned for the first time that language access is one of the primary issues for AANHPI folx. Note that i used the word primary.
• *not that these are larger indicators of anything, but simply examples*   

There’s a sense of shock, a sense of betrayal, like when they look at me in a photo my friends don’t see anyone or anything There. As i’ve transitioned out of teaching, this has felt all the more obvious to me. I now work for a civil rights organization, asian americans advancing justice (Aaaj) -  and it is near and dear to my heart. Not only is it kind of like the naacp for asian americans (which is how i describe it when people ask me what the organization is about), but for many asian americans who have their identity/social justice reckoning, This is one of the first organizations they are exposed to/hear of. For me? I learned about Aaaj When i was 16. In an asian american studies class. Learning about aaaj sparked a few REVELATIONS for me:
1. There are people who look like me that care about actual issues
2. This means i could make “caring about actual issues”.. an actual career/job
3. Model minority stereotype is truly a myth. The existence of this org. Proves that
4. It is very possible and likely that those who major and study ethnic studies will never take an asian american studies class. They’ll study other racial communities, though. 
5. Learning about aaaj is synonymous with learning about asian american studies. You can’t know one without knowing the other.
6. Aaaj and all its affiliates will be important to me for the rest of my life.

The people i know in social justice orgs, in teaching, in ethnic studies organizing committees, and in community groups have no shortage of suggestions of books to read, groups to join, people to know, and worksheets/graphics/posts to share. And i love this. I love this about the education/teaching community. But not knowing AAAJ? Having a blank face when i talk about aaaj? I am hurt. I am shocked. I take a step back. 

Now, This blank face reaction kind of makes me panic. Because There’s no blank face with conversations about black lives matter. Because There’s nodding with every critical conversation to be had. But conversations about people who look like me? There’s nothing. No reaction. No thoughts. No reflection. No criticality. No admittance. It’s not Even a blank canvas. It’s not an empty wall. I see a face that didn’t know there needed to be a canvas, that needed a wall that could use some decorating to begin with. 

THESE EXCHANGES MAKE ME FEEL ASHAMED AND I DO know why. It makes me feel like i don’t matter. My people don’t matter. My community doesn’t matter. Maybe i should stop complaining. Maybe i should stop believing that the state of asian america is kinda bad. Maybe i should stop trying to move my own people. Maybe this is a lost cause. Maybe i am a lost cause. Maybe aanhpis aren’t people of color after all. The shame = the gaslighting.

THESE EXCHANGES MAKE ME FEEL BETRAYED AND I ​DO KNOW WHY. I FEEL BETRAYED BECAUSE IT DIDN’T OCCUR TO SOMEONE (MY OWN FRIEND) THAT MY LIFE, MY PEOPLE, WERE WORTH GETTING TO KNOW. WORTH STUDYING. WORTH EXAMINING. NOT LIKE SPECIMEN, BUT AS ancestors, as ACTUAL FLAWED AND POWERful PEOPLE AFFECTED BY SYSTEMIC PROBLEMS. MAYBE THAT WASN’T THE INTENT of the blank face reaction - BUT AS I USUALLY SAY, IF THE WORLD RAN ON GOOD INTENTIONS WE WOULD HAVE A MUCH BETTER WORLD BY NOW. The betrayal = i am worth nothing after all.

Maybe people are just processing, and this is what processing looks like for many folx. But what i do know, is that i’m also not having explicit and/or follow up conversations with these same folx about asian american identity or systemic issues that face aanhpi folx in this country. Am i, is my community, just a passing thought? Do people know that aanhpi invisibility (in history, studies, etc.) is a serious issue and their Blank face reaction is a contribution to that very issue? And if you think “other issues are more important”, i ask that you reflect on what you think is appropriate/timely, what makes you think your compassion and empathy is limited, and when will it be time for you to think about the aanhpi community as “people worth knowing”. Btw i’m not trying to say aanhpi issues matter more than the current civil unrest, the frequency of deaths in the black community, the amount of children in concentration camps in the latinx community, the amount of substance abuse and mental health issues in the multiracial community, the amount of human trafficking and missing indigenous folx in our country, (not to flatten the experiences of other racial communities with singular issues and only narratives of tragedy/oppression) etc. but what i am saying is, why don’t you know... any aanhpi issues at all? Why can’t we have an actual conversation about anything regarding my community? I’m not here to blame you. I’m asking you to own up to this. I’m asking to talk about this.

It makes me recall when I was at an ethnic studies conference this summer, in one of the sessionS we talked about mutual aid societies and how to build community during the time of the pandemic. I brought up the issue that places like koreatown and chinatown have multiple races and ethnicities... and multiple languages. My question was, “how do we bring people together when language access may be a challenge when we build community?” My question was quickly dismissed by the facilitator (yes, she was BIPOC), in which she stated, “well, we just start by putting everyone together”. The immediate reaction in my head was, “she has no idea how isolated aanhpi neighborhoods/communities are”. I’ve talked to political consultants, experienced canvassers, aanhpi advocacy groups alike - oftentimes it is a mystery and a challenge how to canvass successfully in anychinatown, USA. Let alone other aanhpi communities and enclaves. Let alone other actions/community building initiatives. I’m still a little salty from this interaction.

It makes me recall that all my aanhpi friends and colleagues who have talked to me about race have stated to me that they “don’t trust other people of color” to have these conversations, and “other people of color don’t understand/won’t validate my issues as actual issues”. It seems like all our conversations are secret. Behind closed doors - not because we’re trying to conspire, but because we’re afraid to be gaslighted by other people. After all, it’s kind of thing to debate whether or not aanhpi folx are people of color. 

It makes me recall that as i’ve talked to some of my friends about me possibly considering a phd and following somewhat in my spouse’s footsteps, i do talk about how there are very, very few asian american studies departments let alone asian american scholars i can be an advisee to. I get the sympathetic “oh...”, but no one bats an eye. It seems that people, people who call themselves allies, accomplices, and co-conspirators have no idea what it means to be erased in ways aanhpi folx feel erased all the time. I need you recognize my years of pain and feelings of invisibility and dismissal when i tell you i can’t find an aanhpi department or an aanhpi tenured scholar that fits my interests. I need you to recognize the systemic issue that there are an endless Amount reasons “why asian american studies DEPARTMENTS can’t/won’t exist”. That’s what i’m telling you, even if i can’t Or don’t explain it explicitly in the moment.

Thinking about this also reminds me - i’ve thought All this before. I’ve worried about this over th years. After taking my first asian american studies class at a local community college when i was 16 (note the privilege to be able to take a class like this!), i recall coming to the explicit conclusion that if i get to know other people and the racial communities they are a part of, they in turn will eventually want to get to know me and the “people i am a part of”. As i’ve learned more, i now realize this is called transactional (level 2) solidarity. It’s not... good or bad. It just is. 

However, at the same time There also was a small lingering doubt as i thought through this in my little teenage brain. The doubt whispered in my ear, “will anyone ever care to know your people? How much time will need to pass before people are interested, let alone invested In your people and ask you questions?”. 

Twelve years later, The doubt doesn’t whisper. Doubt just stares back at me materializing into the faces of people i love and admire. And it reminds me, maybe i am truly alone.